Sunday, January 16, 2011

What dreams may come. When love runs out.....

I had a dream last night. You know one of those dreams that stick with you throughout the day. You can be as busy as possible and still your mind dwells on that image.

I had a dream about my dad. He was standing in the kitchen of my old house. (the one that is down the street on ionis) At the stove and I remember it vividly down to its mustard color. I could even remember the pattern of the vinyl flooring and the scene out of the window above the sink. I was sitting on the floor where I once was severely punished by him (punished is putting it nicely I think) for incorrectly cleaning it (one of a few times I try to forget). I wanted his attention so bad. I couldn't stand that he wouldn't turn around. I kept begging him. Eventually he did turn around and he said to me "Why do you keep bugging me, don't you understand I don't want you around? I don't love you."

You know when you really feel the emotion of a dream. That pit of your stomach falls away,you can't breathe and you know you are crying in your dream and when you wake up it is all you can do to keep from actually crying?

I feel as though this is our relationship. He has never come out and said those words, but that is how his actions make me feel.  I have forgiven him for so much in my life. The pain, the heartache, a family torn apart. It was his fault and never once has he asked for forgiveness. I have always given it to him though. I forgave him for kicking me, and hitting me and verbally abusing me. I forgave him for hurting my mom and killing their relationship and causing this broken family. I forgave him for trying to ruin every important event in my life he and his girlfriend have tried to ruin with thier unwillingness to coexist with anyone but themselves. From my graduation at Radford, to my Tournament and even the birth of my child the have constantly caused trouble. I've cried so many tears over a man who refuses to be a part of my life or even that of his innocent grandchild. It's sad really.

My parents divorce was a result of a man who could not control his temper and the results there of.  No daughter needs a father in her household who is going to put her in danger or abuse her.  I can take a lot of physical abuse. Sometimes though I feel the verbal abuse tore me down even more than the physical pain of being slapped, or having a baseball thrown at you full speed, or kicked in the hip by a man 3 times your size while laying in the floor of a church bathroom.  Yes open door folks, the downstairs bathroom near the stairs to the choir room is not a room i ventured in to after that night. It would make me sick to think about it. I always went upstairs. I was and still am never good enough.  I am soo thankful for a mom who took my brother and I out of that environment. Yet she always encouraged us to try to maintain a relationship with our father.

It is never his fault. In his mind my unwillingness at about 17 years old to go anywhere with him alone was me acting out. When in fact I was frightened of him. We never want to see him yet when we call him he never answers. My mom cheated on him was his excuse for the breakup of the marriage and not the fact that we were scared of what the next step in his path to self destruction may cause. I watched my dad (a few weeks before he was asked to leave our home) Flip my mother over in a recliner so see was trapped, and begin to fight her. She was smart and kicked him off of her. That was the last straw. In his mind this was not how it happened. But I saw it with my own two eyes.

 Now we are back to not speaking again, ive called constantly with no response. Ive left messages, left my phone number (which has not changed since I was 17, in fact it is the only cell number I have ever had) The last time i spoke with him he promised me he was gonna do better for David. That he didn't need to be exposed to the unrest of our family history. A history my Dad refuses to Acknowledge. In his mind he never did any of these horrid things. this was 3 days before David was to be dedicated at My home church the first weekend in november. Nothing not even at christmas have I heard a word from him and I have called him every week since then.

So those of you who continue to inundate myself or my mom with question based on the lies my Father told most of you when they divorced....Get over it. I don't speak to my father because he will not talk to me. and I am tired of all your questions and so Is my mom. As far as I am concerned david has 2 sets of grandparents, Cindy, bob, Mom and Tim. They love him and me and are always there for us out of love and not obligation.

I apologize to those who may be upset by this posting. I don't care about your feelings anymore at this point. This is my dirty laundry and I am sick of it laying around. take it for what it is worth and always think about how your actions will affect your children.