Sunday, January 16, 2011

What dreams may come. When love runs out.....

I had a dream last night. You know one of those dreams that stick with you throughout the day. You can be as busy as possible and still your mind dwells on that image.

I had a dream about my dad. He was standing in the kitchen of my old house. (the one that is down the street on ionis) At the stove and I remember it vividly down to its mustard color. I could even remember the pattern of the vinyl flooring and the scene out of the window above the sink. I was sitting on the floor where I once was severely punished by him (punished is putting it nicely I think) for incorrectly cleaning it (one of a few times I try to forget). I wanted his attention so bad. I couldn't stand that he wouldn't turn around. I kept begging him. Eventually he did turn around and he said to me "Why do you keep bugging me, don't you understand I don't want you around? I don't love you."

You know when you really feel the emotion of a dream. That pit of your stomach falls away,you can't breathe and you know you are crying in your dream and when you wake up it is all you can do to keep from actually crying?

I feel as though this is our relationship. He has never come out and said those words, but that is how his actions make me feel.  I have forgiven him for so much in my life. The pain, the heartache, a family torn apart. It was his fault and never once has he asked for forgiveness. I have always given it to him though. I forgave him for kicking me, and hitting me and verbally abusing me. I forgave him for hurting my mom and killing their relationship and causing this broken family. I forgave him for trying to ruin every important event in my life he and his girlfriend have tried to ruin with thier unwillingness to coexist with anyone but themselves. From my graduation at Radford, to my Tournament and even the birth of my child the have constantly caused trouble. I've cried so many tears over a man who refuses to be a part of my life or even that of his innocent grandchild. It's sad really.

My parents divorce was a result of a man who could not control his temper and the results there of.  No daughter needs a father in her household who is going to put her in danger or abuse her.  I can take a lot of physical abuse. Sometimes though I feel the verbal abuse tore me down even more than the physical pain of being slapped, or having a baseball thrown at you full speed, or kicked in the hip by a man 3 times your size while laying in the floor of a church bathroom.  Yes open door folks, the downstairs bathroom near the stairs to the choir room is not a room i ventured in to after that night. It would make me sick to think about it. I always went upstairs. I was and still am never good enough.  I am soo thankful for a mom who took my brother and I out of that environment. Yet she always encouraged us to try to maintain a relationship with our father.

It is never his fault. In his mind my unwillingness at about 17 years old to go anywhere with him alone was me acting out. When in fact I was frightened of him. We never want to see him yet when we call him he never answers. My mom cheated on him was his excuse for the breakup of the marriage and not the fact that we were scared of what the next step in his path to self destruction may cause. I watched my dad (a few weeks before he was asked to leave our home) Flip my mother over in a recliner so see was trapped, and begin to fight her. She was smart and kicked him off of her. That was the last straw. In his mind this was not how it happened. But I saw it with my own two eyes.

 Now we are back to not speaking again, ive called constantly with no response. Ive left messages, left my phone number (which has not changed since I was 17, in fact it is the only cell number I have ever had) The last time i spoke with him he promised me he was gonna do better for David. That he didn't need to be exposed to the unrest of our family history. A history my Dad refuses to Acknowledge. In his mind he never did any of these horrid things. this was 3 days before David was to be dedicated at My home church the first weekend in november. Nothing not even at christmas have I heard a word from him and I have called him every week since then.

So those of you who continue to inundate myself or my mom with question based on the lies my Father told most of you when they divorced....Get over it. I don't speak to my father because he will not talk to me. and I am tired of all your questions and so Is my mom. As far as I am concerned david has 2 sets of grandparents, Cindy, bob, Mom and Tim. They love him and me and are always there for us out of love and not obligation.

I apologize to those who may be upset by this posting. I don't care about your feelings anymore at this point. This is my dirty laundry and I am sick of it laying around. take it for what it is worth and always think about how your actions will affect your children.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

On being a new grad...

May 28, 2008 I embarked on 2 1/2 year journey. It was a journey that would show me things about myself that I never knew. It showed me how much I could take, and what kind of person I will ultmately be.  Even with all of the obstacles, I came out on top and now am a part of something bigger than myself. Finally, I have achieved a status in society where I can really do some good for the community in which I live.

I don't want to down being an EDT. It has been by far the best job I have ever had. I enjoy the atmosphere in which I work, the people and the learning opportunities that have presented themselves over the past 2 years. I will really miss being at Chippenham for however long I am gone.  I'll be back eventually, if Kelly will have me, but until then I hope to be able to become solid in my skills as an ER nurse. 

Here it is December 2010, I just made it through one of the toughest tests of my inner strength that I have been through.  I can not take all the credit for my success because I had a huge system of support that helped me through it.  We didn't plan on the struggle it would be to have David join us before my final semester of Nursing school and most people would not have held it against me to take the semester off. Especially only being 3 weeks post op from major abdominal surgery, still in pain , and praying the dr would medically clear me to be able to participate in class and clinical.  The stars aligned for me as best they could for this situation. I thank God, my family and my friends for that. You are the best!

Now I finally feel like I have achieved something meaningful. Not that I haven't been successful at other things in the past. But this was real for me. This was my rite of passage. I feel like I am no longer a child. I have become a full fledge adult who is responsible for my family and myself and everything we do.  I can support them and we can live a life within our means comfortably. It is the most satisfactory feeling I have ever felt. Also while providing for my family, I can give back to the community from which I came.  I am a native of Chesterfield County, VA specifically Midlothian Village. It is a town just outside of Richmond,VA.  I will be working as an Emergency Room Nurse taking care of the sick and hurt in my community.  It is a responsibility that I am proud to take on, and one I take seriously.  Now I can contribute to the community that formed me, and for that I am truly proud and honored ":)

This point in time no one can take this away from me but myself.  I refuse to be treated like crap by anyone any longer, and you know who you are. I am a mother, I am a wife, I am a daughter, niece, friend, collegue, and I respect those who earn it and even those who may not deserve it.  I love my son, and will spend the rest of my life trying to do right by him, and my husband. Will I love you and thank you for the beautiful gift you gave to me late one august night. With out you I would have nothing, and after 6 years of being together and over four years of marriage...I wouldn't trade a day for any other life no matter how glamorous it could or would be.

special thanks to: Becka Morley (mom), William Miller, David Miller, Bob Miller, Cindy Miller, J'nell Carr, Tim Morley, Martha, Charles and Lisa Sumpter, Erin Carl, Kathleen Yancey, Stephanie Jaeger, Theresa Baber, Annette Pruett, Jonathan Pruett, Kelly Wood, my ER family, Karen Shipman (for taking a chance on a little technician fresh outta school),Nikki Aronson, my Jtcc family, Steve and Becky Carlisle, Michael and Rachel Sumpter, the Martin Motley Crew....and those of you who I may have looked over in my haste to wrap this are all so special to me and I thank you for your support, your shoulders to cry on and for just believing in me. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have you in my life.

<3 always
D. Melissa Miller, RN-A

On being a mommy!

This is the begining of a series of blogs I am posting as my yearly wrap stay tuned!

First of all if you get offended by anything I have to say…and some very well may. You are welcome to discuss whatever it is you wish in a respectable manner and I will gladly talk with you about it…but as my new years resolution I am gonna start standing up for my beliefs and feelings and for that of those I love…and to also not let people rob me of my happiness and confidence. 

2010 has been a crazy year for me. A crazy one but a good one…

My son was born on August 1, 2010 and he is a ray of sunshine in my life. He is everything Ive ever wanted and more. His smile lights up a room and everyone in it…he is truly amazing.

That being said I have a few tips about parenting…

Are you ready for this….Parenting is NOT a competition! Man it drives me up the wall when people act all high and mighty about parenting, seriously.  As long as you are not abusing your child, I do not now, nor will I ever care how you choose to raise your child. Ill offer advice and request it be taken with a grain of salt...but I don’t care how or where they sleep, you make your bed and you lie in it. Formula, breast fed, held, not held, tummy sleeping, back sleeping goodness gracious!  No one way is the best and I am a firm believer in this fact.  Think of yourself…you are an individual and have different needs from many other people in this world.  I feel that babies are just as unique as each one of us and no one style works for everyone. That is why I abhor parenting books because they charge you money to make you think that only one style of parenting is acceptable and if it doesn’t work u fail…you’re a bad neglectful parent because you just can’t get timmy to sleep on his back! He WILL DIE.
 Seriously? Well I am here to tell you I tried to force David on to his back for the first 8 weeks of his life and he slept AWFUL! I gave up and flipped him over and PRESTO no more bedtime battle!  He’s is not dead. It is a miracle!  Raise your hand if you have read case studies on sids or if you just listened to hype?  Yes, ever since the back to sleep campaign started we have reduced sids by 50% which is great! we have gone from 1 child in 1000 to .5 children in 1000.  I would like to point out that it isn’t solely keeping children on their backs at night that is contributing to the success of the program. Contributing factors include parental smoking cessation, reduction in cosleeping, and not placing children face down on things such as blankets that can smother them, etcI will not judge you for putting your kid on their back to sleep, so don’t judge me for putting mine on his tummy.  Sids or not the baby needs his sleep and that benefit outweighs his risk.

 Oh and the pacifiers….I have some news for some of you anti paci people, or paci- haters if you will. IF you don’t want to use a pacifier that is absolutely fine by me! So when I choose to use one, could you please just butt out.  David is 4 months old and I am his mom and he MAY use a pacifier until I decide it is time for him to hang it up. I really do not care how long it has been since your kid used one. Some kids do, some kids don’t and when the time comes Ill take care of it.  I have worked with weaning kids off pacifiers for many years before I became a parent. Not a huge deal!  There is nothing wrong with a child under 1-2 yearS of age using a pacifier if a parent deems it appropriate. Oh and by the way…I use a pacifier because I can clean and sterilize it, he normally doesn’t use the paci unless he is tired and Never would I use my nasty dirty finger as a paci and call it better! If you want to use that method, go for it! I just would like to point out that your finger is still a pacifier.

Breast feeding, personally I love it.  But some people just can not produce or do it and i think that is ok too really.  Here is my take on the whole breast feeding/formula feeding craziness.  Formula is in no way shape or form bad for a baby unless it causes them distress or allergic reaction.  Breast milk is better for sure but david does get formula sometimes...especially when mommy forgets to refrigerate whatt she pumps sometimes.  Babies have thrived on it for decades.  In fact, Erin, one of my close friends is a formula feeder and wyatt is doing just fine.  David on the other hand is breast fed and well that works great for him. I have the means to provide him with ample breast milk and feel i should do so until he reaches his 1st birthday. I don't feel that he is robbing me of my body. I do feel it is intimate and a great means of bonding for us. (my opinion is if they are old enough to ask for it (the breast), it may be time to close up shop.)  we will see how it goes once he has teeth, but he will get it from the tap or by bottle as long as I can pump or until he is around 1 year of age. Which ever comes first!  I don't like breast feeding in public.  If you want to do that go on ahead.  Sometimes i can stomach doing it while being covered, but it is awkward for me.  It is one thing when I am in a room full of women, but I don't believe any man other than my husband, son(while feeding) or Dr. should see my breast. End of story, and I don't care how many breasts you have seen.  I am a modest person when it comes to exposing my body. I don't wear midriffs, i don't wear bikinis anymore (even if I were skinny) I don't wear short shorts and well i can't really control the cleavage...sry. My body is for my husband only, even if i was ripped.  That is just me.

Also, just being a clam parent make a calm child...keep that in mind! Well it works for me at least!
I choose to raise David in a more traditional sense. I rely on instinct, intuition, God and advice from women I respect who have been through this process. Women whom I feel are strong and firm in how they rear their children.  Women like my mom, my mil Cindy, my grandma, Aunts, some of my friends who are new moms, and well respected mothers that I attend church with.  I choose not to use a book and I still have the happiest baby on the block…hands down.  In my honest opinion, we all have different views on different things as well as children that respond to different types of rearing. It is in no way your right, or my right to put a parent down for raising their child in the way they deem fit.  We are all in this together and should support one another in this journey called life.  As long as that child is happy, or just content and healthy, keep on keepin on, my friend.   
PS always take advice with a grain of salt. 

I hope this let some insight into how I think about these kinds of things...just the rantings of a MOTC...(mom on the clock!)

There is more to come in my end of year series so stay tuned.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Cribs, bibs, and pacies OH MY!! How to overwhelm a mother to be!

  Will and I actually had a day off (or at least a part of a day off) together. With hectic schedules we decided to get into looking at what we wanted for our little one a little early to give us plenty of time.  School can get in the way sometimes and we want to have everything ready for when squirt arrives.

   We decided after a yummy lunch at Cici's 4.99 all you can eat pizza buffett (i find pizza of any kind is one of my predominant cravings along with Gatorade Frost Glacier Freeze.) that since we were over by babiesrus we would just go in and "window shop" MYYY GOODNESS are there so many choices!!! From 80 different kinds of bottles to what is the best spoon to feed your kid with! I find some of it really unnecessary, but the only thing we were really looking at solidly was a crib.  You know it would be really easy to go overboard and think you have to get all of this crap for your child so it was hard to really stay focused.  I would like to stay a minimalist PLEASE! Any suggestions on what i actually need and don.t need from experienced mothers would be greatly appreciated.

  I think that I have been getting a little weary with all of the unsolicited suggestions of this is a must have, you have to read this book blah blah blah.......I do appreciate advice and will take it with a greatful heart ALWAYS! but i have always been one to go by real world types of asking my mom and my grandma and all of the women whom I know and trust what worked for them. Bending the ears of the strong women at my church and Asking then what their experiences were like. or even the women at kidzalat who take such good care of all of my favorite babies whom i miss so much!  I hate things so impersonal such as just some book. I read enough books already with school. I am reading what to expect when you are expecting, so i am not just disregarding it totally.  I know i have to come at it from all angles but why is it necessary for me to read 1000 books on parenting... I guess i just am not that kind of mother.  I have always learned better by doing and watching than reading. 

   Anyway, we picked out a crib and it was out of stock. CINDY TO THE RESCUE. She found it online and ordered it for us. It will be shipped directly to our house before the warehouse in va even gets it back in stock! We have been looking for themes for our nursery even though we have not  found out the sex yet.  Will fell in love with a very neutral monkey design, and with the twinkle in his eye, how was I to say no to the love of my life?  So for now it will be monkeys/jungle/jungle animals and if it is a girl they have pink monkey stuff to give it that girlyness that it would need. Our little monkey it will be!

  We did end up registering for some things. We are staying gender neutral only on the carseat and stroller so that we can use those again, but once we find out the sex we are game for any generosities that come our way. On that note i would like to thank Kelly and His lovely wife as well as little miss Lucy for so generously giving us an entire box of diapers to get started with! Along with that some burping cloths,  a couple unused pacifiers and unused playtex nursing bottles! Perfect since we will be breast feeding! For now unless our little monkey revolts, we are going to be using the playtex line of bottle products.  I find if hillarous that the diapers kelly gave us just happen to have  monkeys on them! I guess it was meant to be. Who am I to fight it.

  and finally! I have had worse nausea this week than any other time in my 13 weeks. Not really anything coming up, just sick is all.....Phenergan is the new love of my life!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I'm a TKD Mommy!

This is all of the belts that i have acquired over almost 3 years of training in Martial arts. There is only one belt missing. My 1st Degree Blackbelt.

As part of my blackbelt examination i have to break boards. I broke one with my hand before i got my Whitebelt in october of 2007, and yesterday at my blacktip test (for my bo-dan) I  broke one with a sidekick. Nothing feels better than breaking a board with your foot especially when you are preggo!

So April 24th 2010 I will be earning my 1st degree blackbelt. After all the work i have put into it, I am so ready! I want to thank all of the wonderful staff and support at Dong's Studio of Harbour Pointe in Midlothian. Master Dickens, Instructor Baber, Instructor Robinson, and Instructor Caughey for pushing me so hard, and also for looking out for the pregnant lady :)

(again if anyone is concerned for my safety..... have no fear these folks make sure i stay out of harms way. i am on light duty! Just enough to get a good work out and learn my forms, combinations, and onesteps!)

In other news Mr Carlisle, who is one of my dearest friends, was excited to announce my little bundle of joy to the congregation at church this morning. He has done so much for me so willingly throughout my life. His daughter is married to my cousin Michael and we all have been dear friends since as long as we can remember.  He tells me all the time that I am like a daughter to him. He was my sunday school teacher when I was in middle school and I thank him for the spiritual guidance he has given to me! I don't think anyone else would have been more appropriate! 


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Friday, January 15, 2010

The real adventure for us is only in the making.

   Hi! This is my first blogging attempt as a soon to be mommy.  At current moment I am 12 weeks pregnant with our little monkey.  Will and I can not even describe the feelings that we have and are overjoyed with the thought of caring for our little squirt.  It may have not been the best timing, but when will it ever be? We do the best we can with the blessings that God has given us, and fortunately we are blessed with amazing family and friends who have voiced their desire to support us through the next year until I graduate from school in December.  Even with all the nay saying from people who don't understand or can not fathom managing a child and other tasks at the same time...I WILL graduate rest assured.

A little background on what is currently going on in our lives besides this little bundle of  joy....

William is a week into the second semester of his first year of law school.  His grades are good and he is working hard to make them better.  He tries to use his legal jargon on me, but it doesn't work.  He is currently working two jobs. He works part time in the music library at the University of Richmond, and we are very thankful for Jen (our roommate) for getting will a job within the County of Chesterfield working with the youth in the gym at Gordon Elementary School making sure they stay safe.  You should see his funny little county vest he has to cute.  He also has a successful ebay project that he does on the side selling discs for digital piano players. This really helps make ends meet.

 I am currently in my Psychiatric/Mental Health rotation  in Nursing school, and it is challenging to say the least.  My teacher is just nutty as a fruitcake, but she really has a heart for Psych and conveys her material well.  I won't be giving meds for this semester, but I will get to sit a talk with some very interesting people who are different yet the same as you and I.  This is the third semester for me, and I will have one more semester to finish after our little one arrives.  Unfortunately, I had to quit my job with the daycare center. I really miss all of my children and the friends I made withing my year of working for them.  I was touched at the reaction of the owner on my last day, and it really made me feel that I was an important member of the team at Kidzalat.  I am still working in the Emergency Department at CJW Medical Center's Chippenham Campus.  I love my job and most of the people that I work with! My job is never dull, and there is always something interesting going on even if it just involves people watching in triage.  I always wonder what new and exciting thing will happen next.

Thanks for checking us out and I hope to update as much as my time allows.

Melissa, William, and Squirt Miller